While reading Prince Harry’s new memoir “Spare,” I was drawn to the parallels I experienced in my own life, especially while writing “London,” and it probably opened more windows in comparison than I could have ever imagined.
I know in my life – being so young compared to my older and more accomplished sister, I struggled academically and experimented with drugs and alcohol, I related to the book. Though my parents have never gone as far as to call me their spare. However, there are some differences as well – we weren’t well-off growing up, my mom is alive, and, well, I’m sitting here at 27 with no significant other.
I wrote “London” (co-written with Justine Blazer) while experiencing one of the loneliness moments in my life. I was faking excitement with complete strangers. My ex-fiancé, though charmed by my free spirit, sought only to satisfy his family and management by getting married and feeding off the publicity as much as he could.
“Worlds collide to make anew
But if I saw the miles ahead where the roses never grew
Would I still let my reflection keep secrets
How could I hold onto and hate what I created”
How could I hate myself for what I wanted? I wanted a husband…and one well-off enough so I didn’t have to worry about making it through life. I kept thinking, this is what you want. You want this life, just keep getting through it. Maybe, if I kept lying to myself, I’d eventually love it? I didn’t.
“You took me and turned me
Away from what made me
But you still claimed differently” Like Meghan, I felt like I was being thrust into a completely different world. I had to throw out my current way of thinking. I had to learn how to be somebody else. I felt manipulated, gaslit and just questioning whether I truly wanted this.
“But you can’t take me to London
Find the little joys in nights out in the street
Swear to me forever in the gardens
Hold my mother’s hand while in a dress that barely fits”
I can recall on multiple occasions asking him to be someone I could lean on. I would try to vent about my day, or try to get him to go outside, or experience some of the local nightlife. We only went back to England once and I wasn’t even allowed to tell friends and family, share on social media, or enjoy myself. We were just stuck in his family’s house, and he seemed sick of my presence the whole time. Why can’t we enjoy the small things? Why did everything he did have to be a spectacle?
“A silver spoon life trimmed with gold
Dim jeweled lights and streets lined with holes
Accessorizing energies never making a sound
Head of the table and runners made of down”
The judgement from Mother. His mother. I swear she knew everything about my life before she even met me. There was comparison and judgment that seeped from her since the day I met her in person. He grew up with a large bedroom, great academics and private everything. I shared a room with my sister. The lights were almost never allowed on in the house because we had to save on electricity. We drove ourselves, erratically, at that, around potholes. No wonder I felt out-of-place sitting at a table with 3 forks on just my setting.
“A place I had to fight for
and yet still had to learn
That no matter the blood I shed
your love I never earned”
What was going to stop me from seeking approval from a family that was never going to like me to begin with? What could I do? Show off my recently acquired degree in audio engineering? My travel record in a borrowed car? The temporary friends? It felt like I was drowning to be unique to them.
“I’m setting fire to this memory
You still never saw the best of me
You tried to break me Get in my head
and I’m already far away”
Not exactly. But, in a perfect world, he probably could have stood up for me and we could have chased the unknown together – not having to deal with disapproving managers, or an emotionally distant family. Why did he need their approval of me anyway?
“Where you will never touch me
Or hold me down from flying
I’ve earned wings I’ve been set free
You won’t hold me back again”
Ever hear the metaphor about clipping someone’s wings? Well, when you break away from that, the wings slowly but surely grow back, and, dare I say, they get even bigger and more beautiful.
I applaud the bravery of Prince Harry releasing “Spare,” which honestly was a much milder read than what Royal defenders have been making it out to be. From PTSD, parental trauma, and fierce loyalty to the one you love, there are many things we can relate to him on. A particular favorite moment in the book involved his interactions with his wife. When he pushed Meghan too far and she told him she wouldn’t stand being treated that way, she suggested he go to therapy. In a way, his moments of realization in therapy, and how he’s treated himself since, made me emotional. It brought me back to several moments in my life. Not just with my ex-fiancé, but my other serious relationships as well…including my most recent. When things got out-of-hand and we both needed a breather, the topic of therapy would come up occasionally. It was always just brushed off – one even stated that I was the one who needed therapy, not him.
Since on this journey of discovery, my friends, my therapist and myself, have helped me grow into my best and most honest self.
I can definitely see myself picking up this book again. Anyone who has had this level of trauma knows healing isn’t linear. One thing can make you feel like everything will become its undoing. We may even rely on substances to numb the pain. Some of us are lucky to have a judgement-free support system.
If either Harry or Meghan release more books in the future, I will be picking them up on announcement day!
About Mexx Heart:
Raised in Memphis, Tennessee, Mexx Heart discovered her passion for music at a young age. When she was a child, her father would blast his favorites through the radio, heavily influencing her eclectic musical tastes. Inspired by artists like Green Day, Billy Idol and Van Halen, Heart has cultivated her own unique sound.
In the spring of 2020, she released her first single entitled “Roses.” Then came the following singles, “Comatose” and “Skipping Stones,” that September. In February 2021, Heart released a cover of Green Day’s “American Idiot.” Her acoustic single ,“Another Chance,” came out in May 2022. Heart plans to release a full album in early 2023, featuring a new sound influenced by Taylor Swift (“Folklore” and “Evermore”), The Band Camino and Drew Erwin.
In November of 2022, Heart released her highly popular single “Pretend,” which showcased the softer side of her artistry. The single currently has over 20K streams on Spotify, with that number growing each day. She released her newest single “London” last month.
She continues to leave her mark on the music industry, showcasing her skills both behind the mic and in the studio. Heart was nominated for a coveted Josie Music Award in 2021 and attended the 2022 Grammy Awards with producer Justine Blazer. She had the honor of performing at Barry Manilow’s Grammy afterparty as well, which took place at his luxury penthouse.